The Grey
by pianoluv
Summary: What happened between Buffy and Xander stayed in the dark corners. never bleeding out into a world that was already too complicated. On those lonely nights they fed a mutual need for companionship, always knowing that when morning came nothing would be different. Their lives already contained too much murky inbetween. This was the one simple thing they had left.
1. Chapter 1

What happened between Buffy and Xander stayed in the dark corners. never bleeding out into a world that was already too complicated. On those lonely nights they fed a mutual need for companionship, always knowing that when morning came nothing would be different. Their lives already contained too much murky inbetween. This was the one simple thing they had left.

**The Grey**

The one thing that made Buffy Summers so different from the rest of the slayers throughout history was that she had been able to achieve some semblance of balance. Somehow she had managed to play back and forth between the world of the Slayer and the world of the normal human being. Her strength came from an intense drive to restore that tenuous equilibrium when things got murky. Normalcy was her most precious possession. At least in the beginning anyway. Now things were always murky. With so many thousands of slayers out there the black and whites she had fought so hard to keep apart were turning the world an awful, confusing, uncontrollable grey.

That was another thing Willow had been able to do- make the grey okay. In fact she had made it look good. Somehow, when she was around, Buffy could deal with the inbetween because she knew Willow understood balance better than anybody else in the world. Her life had been a constant struggle between an evil that brought necessary power and a good that came with damning weakness. Through it all Willow had been there to link them to both worlds without letting one consume the other.

And now she was gone. Maybe forever and there was nothing they could do but stumble through the fog of grey by themselves.

Even now, with her life completely unrecognizable to the one she had known in the beginning of all this, there were still remnants of that duel life she had once lived. In this world of inbetween it had become her downfall. That tragic flaw that ruined all her relationships and made her seem like the cold killer she so desperately hoped she wasn't. She just couldn't shake that mercurial way of life completely and that meant that most people couldn't get close because they couldn't keep up. Spike and Riley had represented polar opposites. Too much of one world and not enough of the other- just far enough away for her fingers to graze but not close enough for her to grasp. Angel had come the closest but he was forever fighting his own battle for balance. Maybe he always would be. Even Dawn would be forever too human to exist on the same plain as her sister. Eventually it always came back down to Willow and Xander

And now just Xander.

The biggest surprise was that the sex hadn't ruined their friendship. People always told you not to get involved with your friends like that. They warned that it'd screw things up but some how that hadn't happened yet. It was a testament to their mutual loneliness that they had been willing to risk so many years of dedicated friendship. More than friendship now, it was dependence. But like Willow, Xander had danced between the two worlds right alongside Buffy. Like Buffy he had been a creature living two lives utterly different from each other. And he too could not unite them in himself even if they were united in reality. The sex happened in some other world of physical need, although not necessarily for each other, that somehow stayed completely separate from that other world of destiny and duty. It just happened and, in order to keep the grey at bay, they let nothing else happen to make it complicated.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- Bit of a musing about how Xander/Buffy thing could have happened. Based off the beginning of the dream sequence in Long Way Home. Haven't read all the comics yet so I'm not sure if something did happen. Don't be haten in if did. Please review **\**\**\**\3

**Reality**

It doesn't matter what century you're in, a castle is always cold at night. At anytime for that matter but especially at night. Buffy could feel the cold rising through her bare feet as she padded silently through the dimly lit halls. The lamps along the walls were electric but in the shadows she could almost believe they were flickering torches. That was another thing about castles, the trappings of the modern world never seemed to fit in. In the daylight she could almost forget what this place was but, at night, when all the flashing machines and training centres were shut down, it turned back into a shadowy relic of the past containing ghosts of the history in its stones.

Usually there were people still coming and going at night from different jobs or missions. The beasties like darkness. But tonight, for some rare reason, everybody was asleep in their beds. Except her. After years of roaming the shadows, peace in the night made her uneasy... like there was something she should be looking out for, something ready to pounce. There were more protections over this place, both magical and mechanical, than had ever existed around her home in old Sunnydale. Yet still, she could only get a decent sleep during the day. On calm nights like these, her horror warped brain led her to walk for through the halls for hours.

The never ending staircase finally brought her back down to ground level. Most of the time she used the banisters which had been magicked to carry people up and down like that scene from Mary Poppins. Their witch in control of housekeeping was a sucker for pop culture references. Buffy was about to make her way outside for a stroll around the grounds when a bright light caught her eye from the scullery- fancy castle talk for kitchen. This light really did flicker, like somebody had added another log to the fire in that room instead of letting it burn down to embers. The fireplace was one of the few archaic things they still used here. Fires are good to have around for magical purposes and besides that, as Dawn had once pointed out, they just look castley. Turning away from the door to the outside she walked towards the scullery. She knew that whomever was there probably wanted their privacy but hey, she was curious and it was almost three in the morning. Where else did she have to go?

Still hidden in the shadows she peered around the corner into the room and could see Xander sitting on the floor leaning against a bench. In one hand he held a large flask which he took a swig of now and then. In the other hand there was a frame with a picture of he and Anya.

"Xander?" she called softly. He jumped a little turned to face her before realising that he had taken off his patch. It took her off guard to see that empty hole where there should have been a dark, brown eye. Seeing her reaction he turned away brushing a hand across his eyes before he set the flask down and put the patch back on.

"Sorry," he said lamely "... didn't know anybody else was up."

Buffy came and sat beside him grabbing a swig from the flask, "S'okay, couldn't sleep. It's too quiet."

Xander chuckled a bit, "How screwed up are we? For once everything is nice and peaceful and yet here we are, looking for the trouble."

"You too huh?"

"Yup."

Buffy looked down at the picture and ran finger over the corner of the frame. Then looked back up into his face, her gaze lingering on the piece of material over his right eye. "Does it still hurt?" she asked.

"Her or the eye?" he said looking away.

"Both I guess."

"Thinking of her rips me in half every time so most days I don't let myself wallow. My eye doesn't hurt anymore, Hardly notice it much really except when I cry." He gave another little bitter chuckle, " Its kinda sick actually. Can't see out of it but can still cry from it."

Buffy pulled her hand away, "When you're not saving my life Xan, I sometimes wish I'd never brought you into this."

They were quiet for a few minutes and she knew he was thinking about the life he might have had if she hadn't been there. Finally he sighed and turned her face to him with a finger under her chin, "You weren't the only one with a destiny Buff. I like to think I would have found my way here eventually. Besides, if I hadn't me you, I never would have met her and she was worth every scary moment."

He let his hand drop and she laid her head down on his shoulder, "I wish Will were here. She always knew how to put us back together when we broke. I feel like I'm just barely holding on sometimes."

Xander put his arm around her and squeezed a little, "Guess we just have to hold onto each other." He sat up, "come on, the fire's died down now, we should go back to bed."

As they stood up he noticed that she started to cry a bit, "I don't want to be alone Xan,"

He paused for second then reached over and wiped away a salty drop with his thumb, "Then don't be," he said.

She looked back at him then and saw the same need in his eyes she she knew must have reflected her own. The desire wasn't for each other but maybe, tonight, that didn't matter. There was half a second of doubt and then his lips were pressing against hers with fervour, with desperation. Soon they were stumbling back toward his room. Neither of them daring to say a word, they let the raw passion carry them away from reality. At least for a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter ended up being rather dissimilar from my others although now that I think of it, they're all rather individual. Maybe that'll be my style with this one. Oh well, anyway, this is mostly dialogue. My attempt at writing Buffyisms. Did pretty well if I do say so myself. If you think I utterly failed and should never try it again please let me know. Joss is a genius and I do not pretend to understand, I just accept, revere...okay worship.

**Just Sex**

Silence. Neither Buffy or Xander had uttered a word for at least ten minutes because ten minutes ago they had done something. Or more accurately, finished doing something. It was something that couldn't be taken back but that wasn't really the issue. The issue was, did they even want to take it back? Was it some mad rush of lust to forever be regretted and awkwardly ignored? Or not?

Eternally the breaker of ice, Xander finally spoke up, "We really just did that."

"Think so," she said back without looking over at him.

"You think so? Didn't know I was so forgettable. Thanks Buff."

Buffy laughed at this and it broke the tension, "Sorry. No it was not forgettable. Definitely opposite of that."

"Good to know... me too. Buffy did we just screw things up or just end up screwing. Can't actually tell."

"Second one I think. Doesn't feel one-night-standish but it doesn't feel like..."

"Commitment?"

"Right. Don't get me wrong, I love you of course but not like that... crap. Am I a horrible person for saying that? Did I break your heart or something because I totally didn't mean to."

Xander sat up on an elbow, "You didn't break my heart. Actually, you may have helped it a bit. Not like, Willow glue, but maybe scotch tape? Doesn't feel quite so shattered now, somehow. Please stop me if this analogy isn't going anywhere."

"No, no I get it. And I think you're right. Not fixed but still better. Sex therapy."

"We really are messed up aren't we?"

"Pretty much."

"Wanna do it again?"

"I could go for that"

"Or not you know, if you think it's weird or something we can call it a night and I'd be totally cool either way..."

"Xander?"

"Ya?"

"Sex."

"'kay."


	4. Chapter 4

Well hello there loyal reader(s). Been a while in the making but maybe this will spur on more chapters. This one is pretty introspective but I hope you like it anyway.  
Please read and review,

Thanks,

Pianoluv

**Satiated**

Xander stared into the scullery fire. The flames had begun to shrink back into the embers. He liked watching fire. It seemed to have a mind of its own. Like a beast devouring everything around it. At its base, the red hot embers glowed like little eggs, the fire beast peaking out its glowing eye between the fault lines. This was the first time he'd really sat and thought about what had happened last Sunday with Buff. He hadn't had the time this week to consider anything outside slayer world. The world that had somehow become his reality.

So the sex had been good. Okay great, okay bordering on the mind blowing. In the past, when his heart still beat the right way, that would have been more than enough to strike the fire and send his emotions for a ride. With Faith, a one night stand had been cheap and he'd felt used, dirty even. The feeling had been bad but still a feeling. Now there was... nothing. Not like that anyway. There was... what? Admiration, thankfulness, maybe satisfaction? Definitely satisfaction. Instead of love he felt... satiated. Like an itch had be scratched. Was that cold? That was cold. But so far as he could tell, Buffy was the same. There were no awkward smiles or conversation. Not even a blush. In fact, the week since had been good. They'd both been happy. Content. Satiated. He'd even flirted with that girl, Renee. The one who called him sir with that special tone that made him smile when she turned her back.

The strangest thing of all was that he hadn't wanted more. Not yet anyway. He'd hardly thought about it actually. They'd just happened to be wallowing in the same puddle that night. That was it. Just sex. People said that didn't exist but life had taught him that a lot of thing that are not supposed to exist, do. It was probably something to do with all the crazy in his life. Who was he kidding? Everything had to do with the crazy.

"Hey you." Her voice came from the doorway like it had the last time. She'd snuck up on him, as always. "Watcha drinking?" Xander looked down at the flask of whiskey he'd been holding. He'd forgot to open it before slipping into twisty memories.

He smirked, "Nothing apparently, didn't open it."

She laughed, "Probably not worth the hangover tomorrow. We're flying to Russia to check out that girl. The really young one. This whole thing has got to be kind of hard for someone her age. She's not even thirteen yet." Buffy had stopped laughing, remembering her own introduction to slayerdom. She'd be older that this Svenia girl but not by much. She looked at him then with that look in her eye. The one that said _I'm broken_. It also said something else. He sighed. It'd been a long week. Why the hell not?

Sometimes he wondered what life would be like if he hadn't even spoken to her that day so very, very long ago. Hadn't found that uncharacteristic courage to talk to the pretty blond new in town. Back then before the whole world had gone to shit and his whole life hadn't yet been slashed down the middle then flattened. He'd liked Buffy then... really liked her. It made him chuckle now. Quite the triangle they'd had then. Willow loving him, him loving Buffy, Buffy loving Wrinkles McAngsty Face. Okay so that was square. Or maybe an arch because he was pretty sure Angel never had the hots for him. But he'd wonder about that what-if life and his heart would race with panic. Without this life he would never had met Anya. The thought made him nauseous. Anya. His beautiful, impossible, perfect love. Sure he might love again but nobody could ever touch her. Buffy didn't even come close. But what they'd done had been like a salve on the wound forever left gaping and filled with salt.

Loving someone else now felt indecent, unfaithful. He knew now what what Willow had felt after Tara. But he also knew that one day he would love again. He would have to. This thing he was doing wasn't living. It was existing efficiently. This thing with Buffy was the like the first in a twelve step program. She was his nicotine patch. A little love-making without the love. That was sick but there you have it. This life he'd chosen, this life he'd owned and become a man in, it had screwed him up too. But as always that didn't really signify anymore. He'd made his choice a long time ago and he was living with it. Today it was enough to feel satiated. It made him happy and that hadn't happened in a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

She was there. Somewhere between the oo's and the ahh's and the ohgodyes's she had appeared silently in the corner. She was concealed by an invisibility charm although not a strong one. It was just a glimmer to make her conspicuous red hair blend into the stone walls. If they had really looked they would have seen flashes of her. But they weren't looking.

How long had she been gone now? It had seemed only a few weeks in the realms but here it had been months. Kennedy had made sure she knew that. Poor, lovely Kennedy always doomed to the outskirts. She'd come into Willow's life at a time when everything was changing. Suddenly she was not a sidekick anymore, or even a slave to the magic. She was a power in her own right. No longer an extension of Buffy's influence, she had become confidante, encyclopedia, mother and protector to them all. Kennedy was the only one allowed to see human Willow now and she loved her for that. Unfortunately those moments of lovely release from duty did not come very often and when they did, sometimes she was in places Kennedy could not be. Where magic was involved, she could only hover in the periphery of notice. Sort of like what Willow was doing now.

Willow knew it was weird to watch them but the whole thing intrigued her. With her mind she had scanned the emotions of the room and felt no deep emotion. Lust most certainly, but nothing like what she had known them to feel for others in the past. That fact saddened her. Xander and Buffy would have perfect for each other. He had always been that grounding force tethering her to her ever more evasive humanity. She had pushed him to his limits where he had unlocked that unwavering strength that made him great. Maybe in another dimension, if all the crazy didn't exist, they would have been together. Of course, in that other life, she may not have needed grounding and he wouldn't have needed that same strength. It was tragic really- the life that had brought out the best in each of them had also torn them apart from the inside out.

'_Willow?'. _They voice came from inside her head.

'_I can hear you Xander,' _she thought back. She smiled a little at Xander's uncanny ability to reach her. They had been doing it since they were little kids although back then the connection hadn't been as tangible as this. Humans often didn't realize that true friendship left a mark. It created a sort of mental freeway between two minds that could be enhanced by magic. She and Buffy had had it as well but a long time ago Willow had blocked it off. Buffy's mind was like a wild animal, latching on to anything and everything it could find. She had magic in her but a mind like that would never be able to control it. Had Willow allowed that freeway to remain open it would have opened a door in Buffy that was best left closed. But Xander was human,

'_What are you doing here Will? Nobody was supposed to know about this.'_

'_Nobody does.'_

'_You are not nobody.'_

'_Thank you Xander. You know this can't be happening right? Your paths don't cross in love.'_

'_You see the future now do you?'_

'_In a way. Nothing specific, just blurry lines of destination. This doesn't happen Xander."_

'_It isn't happening now. This is exactly what it looks like. It's screwed up but there you go. Things got messed up Will. We're not normal. Not anymore.'_

'_You will never be normal but that doesn't mean you won't be happy again. You are not as broken as you think Xander. Neither of you are. A little glue make you all better.'_

'_Our glue has red hair and flew away from us months ago.'_

'_I know and I'm sorry. My path leads me in different directions now. I have my reasons.'_

'_I know.'_

'_I can't fix you all the way Xander."_

'_You do a pretty well just the same.'_

'_It's my job.'_

'_When did you turn into a mom?'_

'_Not sure. It just happened. Xander, you two can't be doing this.'_

'_We already established that.'_

'_You know what I have to do right?'_

'_Do you have to?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_You know, this is the best we've felt in ages.'_

'_I can leave the feelings and take away the memories of what caused them.'_

'_Won't it just happen again?'_

'_Maybe.'_

'… _Willow?'_

'_This isn't the first time is it?'_

'_No.'_

'_Oh.'_

'_Are you angry? You were last time.'_

'_Was I? No I guess I'm not. I trust you.'_

'_Thank you.'_

'_Will you be coming back now?'_

'_Soon.'_

'_Okay. Don't be too long okay? We need our glue.'_

'_I promise. Are you ready?'_

'_I guess,'_

OooOooOooO

Buffy woke with a start. She looked around and saw her familiar room. Strange, somehow she was expecting somewhere else. The sun was just coming up now. She must have slept well though because she felt good. Really good actually. It was like some of the pressure on her heart had been lifted a little for some reason. There was knock on the door and Xander poked his head it. "You not up yet pillowface? The witches are almost ready for the teleportation spell."

"kay, ya. I'm up now. Be there in ten."

"See you soon Capitaine"

"Back at you Xander."

End

OooOooOooO

Wow, so I wasn't expecting the story to end here but it just sort of happened half way through. Funny how that works. So sorry to all you Bander die hards. I know this isn't exactly satisfying for you but I don't like to change story lines, just work in the sideline. Who knows, maybe I will do an alternate universe thing. Definitely crossed my mind. For now, this is it. Please review and hopefully I'll post again soon. You should know that I should be writing an essay right now but ended up writing this instead. Hope it was worth it :p

Thanks to all my reviews, I love you so much!

Love,

pinoluv


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